Safe Haven
by mellifluouz
Summary: While surviving in a world, that is not worth living in, an introverted girl meets a young, rebelling, blasé 'know-it-all'. Both share the same fate through different paths until they cross. Feeling all alone they might just be, what each other needs in life. How does one find its personal safe haven in the middle of misery? AU/AH. BxE
1. Prologue

**~Yeah, I might seem so strong** **  
** **Yeah, I might speak so long** **  
** **I've never been so wrong~**  
\- London Grammar

 **safe haven** [seɪv ˈheɪvn] n. a place of shelter and safety for ships; now chiefly _fig._ (also as a mass noun) and in extended use; a relief or refuge

* * *

 **~SH~**

-12/04/2018-

I stayed hidden behind the dumpster of some pizza place on 8th street.

The sky had already darkened hours ago.

Naturally, the days in winter were shorter, the nights got longer. But unfortunately, the number of hours stayed the same, and time didn't flow by any faster. At least not, when you're hungry.

When you're hungry, time seemed to drag on forever and even mere minutes felt like an everlasting eternity.

These last couple of days my only aim seemed to be to stay somewhat alive and get something in my stomach. However, that had been proven to be harder than one may think.

Especially, since it had been days, that anything edible had been able to connect with my gastric juice.

Overall, it has been harder these days.

Harder to find a place to sleep in or something to eat. The shelters were full, forcing me to get acquainted with the outside. As if that was necessary. I probably knew New York and its surrounding better than any of the other residents. Even the ones that have been born and raised here. I was smart like that.

I knew where the best places to sleep and hide were.

Where you could get the best leftover foods, that wouldn't hurt your stomach too bad.

Where all the shelters and charities were, that tried to help us unfortunate ones. I was used to it by now. I had a lifestyle of my own. I didn't mind.

It's a sad skill to have really.

But all that doesn't change anything about the fact that the human anatomy needed nutrition to keep on functioning.

I once heard a woman complaining that she just couldn't stop eating and was gaining weight. I would never understand how anyone could willingly starve themselves.

I desperately wished that that would be one of my worries.

To some, it might seem silly, but it is how it is.

And I'm not bitter either. Just... hopefully searching for some justice as to why I had to endure this existence on my own.

So here I sat on the icy ground, while the bitter cold bit into my dry, white, lifeless looking skin. I had been feeling this way since the beginning of October.

The air was freezing, while a white veil adorned the city, embellishing the skyline in a beautiful pure color and hiding the ugly grey underneath it.

There is no point in lying, the cold is tough, but it's okay, I can manage. I have for all this time. Why should this winter be any different, right?

Even though I assume that my lips are probably bluer than what is considered healthy, the only thought consuming my head is that I finally had the opportunity to eat something.

My lips had been blue-ish, purple for as long as I can remember, chapped and at some places ripped and bloody, due to the harsh circumstances that I was used to be living in.

Sometimes some fellow bums of mine would make sure to leave an imprint of their assaults on my face. Sometimes resulting in a bloody lip or a swollen eye, enabling my sight in the progress. They had fought me for my four dollars, that a nice lady had given me in a rush of compassion, as she stormed out of some church a couple of miles from here.

So I had lost my four dollars and my one week's worth of feeding.

I tried to run from them, in order to keep my money protected, but it had been proven harder than you can imagine with a limping foot.

My little obstacle.

I was born with it. It wasn't really life-threatening or terminal.

Just not ideal, when you live the life that I do.

Touching my lips with my dirty fingers, I winched at the slightest of contact.

An aching burn seizing on impact. I imagined that the grease on my fingers and almost black and hardened dirt under my uncomfortably large fingernails, didn't help with the throbbing infection, that I was spotting on the lower left corner of my upper lip.

But I didn't have anything to cut or clean them with, and God knew I wouldn't bring my teeth anywhere near in between the dark flesh of my fingers and the split up ends of the beds of my fingers. And eating food with my hands didn't count. It was a necessity. It wasn't like I had a fork to eat with or a table to sit by like others.

Others that were fortunate enough to have been born into a better life.  
Life does not smile into everyone's face. That's what I learned in my pitiful eighteen years I have been living on this planet.

Some people are among the unfortunate ones, just like me. Some people are among those who always only see the other side, the dark side.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be born into another life. What my life would have been like, if my soul had flown into another body, on its way towards earth. Would I have known how to smile? Would I have been genuinely happy? Would I have at least someone I could talk to? Someone that would listen to me. Care about what I had to say. What I thought. How I viewed the world.

I used to talk when my mother was by my side, but that was what seemed like a lifetime ago. The day I realized that she didn't really listen to anything that I said was the day that

I don't even ask for a whole family, although I couldn't deny, that it was the thing I truly longed for in my life. A family. Not materiality or luxury. Just some people like my plain old self, that would enjoy my company. Just one person.

I prayed to God every night to send someone my way to make my lonely experience somewhat more enduring. Someone that I could come to, no matter what. Someone that I could trust endlessly and love irrevocably. Someone, that was worth breaking the silence for. Someone that I share all my problems with. That I could go to when I felt alone and unloved.

A safe place. A happy place.

A safe haven.

I once had a mom. A real mother that had a hard time showing people love.

It was okay though. I had much love to give. I was under the impression, that I had enough in me for both of us.  
She was the only person I could give it to, after all.

But I had failed.

Where she had difficulties portraying her emotions, I tried extra hard to make her feel loved. She shouldn't feel like me.

She used to tell me all the time how hard her life is and always had been.

She used to tell me that I was one of the reasons why.

I sometimes wondered, have things would've turned out, if she was here now. If she'd never abandoned me and had never gone to heaven.

But that's a different story for some other time. Can't really start a story with the climax now, can we?

Bear in mind, that I don't want you going into this story thinking I'm a typical teenage runaway. I'm not a cliché. I'm not a stereotype. I want you to listen carefully and read between the lines.

I don't want this to be a random, pitied sob-story.

I want this to be **my story**.

 **~SH~**

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Hellooowww, this is the first story for me to ever publish.**

 **I've actually been writing since I was 15.**

 **Now, six years later, I think it's finally time to get my work out there. Since I was a Twilight fan in my teens and grew up with the saga, my stories all started off as Twifics.**

 **However, be aware, that I only used the characters to portray the people I've made up in my crazy mind. The couples are canon pairings, and the character traits aren't very OC.**

 **So bear in mind, that this story is very AU.**

 **Share some love through the reviews if you'd like to, and leave your opinion if anything should be unclear or need to be said.**

 **Otherwise, enjoy your time on this trip with me.**

 **melli:)**

* * *

 _PS: Definitions above are taken from the OED and collinsdictionary._


	2. Hard days, cold nights

**~Hard days, cold nights** **  
** **Staring down at an empty cup like** **  
** **I'ma fill, I'ma fill it up** **  
** **All day, all night** **  
** **Ten feet down nearly my whole life** **  
** **But I'll be rising, rising up~  
** -NF

* * *

 **~SH~**

I shoved the invading thoughts into the back of my mind and concentrated on happier things.

For instance, the food that would be in my hands, as soon as a worker from the pizza place threw out their soggy slices of heaven into the trash bin.

How people could just throw away perfectly good food was beyond me.

People were so wasteful; they didn't value what they had. It was sad really, seeing them grow more and more ignorant each day.

I always wondered why people were so oblivious to everything. They just chose to ignore. Ignoring was always the easy way out.

But they knew homeless people were out there.

They saw me and others pass the streets in our insufficient clothing, unprotected from the harsh temperatures.

They saw our emaciated faces, our hopeless eyes, which once held the hopes of a better life. They knew we existed, and I asked myself how people could be cruel enough to deny us our only source of food. They always called the cops when they saw me going through their trashes and, I was not the fastest runner with my limping leg.

So I had to be very careful each time to not get busted. Every time I got caught they'd take me to the police station, only to let me go on my merry way a few hours later.

I just wished they'd place the leftovers next to the trash as the chicken place did for street cats with the bones of their eaten chicken wings, so I didn't have to dig in the garbage. They should know by now, that I'll just keep coming back.

They always had the most edible food in the area and didn't soak their pizzas with dishwashing water. I used to go to the soup kitchen a few miles from here, but it was always full. The chances of not getting something to eat were high. With my limp, it took me around one hour to get there. However, the part of the town of the soup kitchen wasn't very safe for an unprotected girl like me, and I couldn't stay there. So I tried to stay clear of that district as much as I could.

I liked busy streets, with lots of restaurants or shopping malls nearby. They made me feel safer. They were also the best places to beg for money, especially when they were full and everyone was in the spirit of the holidays, as they were this time of year. Christmas seemed to make people more generous than usual and I guess they pitied me more. But I didn't really 'beg' in the literal sense. I just sat down at some corner and looked at the ground for hours. I didn't look them in the eye or make them notice me and I most certainly didn't ask them.

I didn't speak.

With anyone.

Ever.

Period.

I haven't had a reason to in all the years since I'd been on my own.

I came to the conclusion that the ones that really wanted to spare me a few bucks would do so and otherwise there was no need to make myself seem more desperate or pathetic than I already was, or for them to feel uncomfortable when being asked for money by a stranger. Begging never really sealed the deal.

Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by the creak of the old rusty door. I didn't dare look up from my place on the ground as I heard the footsteps of someone coming nearer. Even though I knew I was safely hidden from the view of whoever was standing on the other side, my pulse started to quicken.

When I saw the silhouette of a person's shadow, I felt my heart jump into my throat. I held my breath and watched as the shadow lifted up its arms and threw what I assumed to be a garbage bag into the dumpster. While I listened to the retreating sound of shoes, my heart started to slow down and endorphin started to spread in my body.

Finally, salvation!

Once I made sure that no one would come back out, I slowly crept from my hiding spot. Leaning over the dumpster I saw a variety of pizza slices, some still intact, while others had some bite marks. I took the first one I could grab and stuffed it into my watering mouth like an animal. Everything tasted like heaven, after going without food for a long time. Even some cold pizza.

Moaning from the amazing taste I took as many as I could and stuffed them in my beat-up knapsack. I didn't care about the sauce ruining anything inside my bag. It was all dirty anyway.

After having found enough food to keep me going for at least a couple of days, I started to slowly make my way towards my favorite alley. It was secluded, dark, and didn't attract any attention. And most importantly I was alone there. Not many homeless choose to linger in some suburb of New York. Nevertheless, I always tried to be as cautious as possible, so I kept my eyes open for any potential threats.

While I walked the dark streets of New York City on my own, I longed for someone to be by my side at moments like this. Or better yet, any moment. However, I, never in my life, would approach anyone. Homeless couldn't be trusted and mostly kept to themselves just like me. The 'normal ones' saw _me_ as an abnormality and mostly decided to steer clear of me. Others thought it necessary to make my life harder than it already was and point out that I was basically worthless. As if I didn't know that already. I understood it though. Judging was part of humanity.

One time, when I was 14 years old, some older boys followed me wherever I went, always close behind me, bashing me for my looks and calling me a 'whore'. I must admit, I have no idea what that means. My mother used to call me that too, so I guess it wasn't anything nice, but I was always too scared to ask and after deciding to stay mute, the opportunity just never arose. They even asked me why I didn't just kill myself.

But how could I, without finding the true purpose of my life. God sent me on this earth for a reason. I know there has to be one. I didn't survive all this time just to give up at the end of the day. When my end was near, I'd accept it, but I'll never commit suicide and interfere with Gods plan for myself. There has to be something. I know it.

Arriving at my destination, I quickly let myself be welcomed by the shadows of darkness that the alley provided. Sitting down at the far corner, I took out another slice of pizza and started to devour the stale food. I had to remind myself to eat slowly, in order to not to get sick and let the tastes linger on my tongue. It wasn't every day, that I ate a feast like this. Mostly I just ate the peels of oranges or some other fruit, that I could find in public trash bins.

After I finished my second slice, I resisted the urge to take another one. I had to be reasonable. You never knew what could happen between today and tomorrow. I may need it later. At least the awful cramps had disappeared, to some extent.

As I laid down on the cold, hard ground, I couldn't help but think that I never understood this crazy world of ours. There were so many things wrong in it. There was so much pain, so much agony. For everyone.

With these thoughts I drifted into a light sleep, praying for everyone to get what they longed for in life. For a better life for myself and anyone else who needed it.

I was woken up by fast footsteps coming my way. Opening my eyes, I saw a tall figure run into my alley and crouch down on the ground, obviously hiding from someone. While my place in the back gave me privacy, I knew the tall figure would spot me as soon as it turned its head to the left. Although I knew there was a small chance, I hoped that whoever it was would leave without noticing me.

Once the rapid breathing of the person started to slow down, he started to stand up and move down the alley. He turned his face into my direction. I could see his silhouette now. He was tall but thin. His proportions had already given away that he was a male. But that didn't really matter. Men didn't scare me more than women did. When it came to identifying a threat, gender wasn't really important for me. I had seen harm from both. Men just had the advantage of being more muscular.

I curled in on myself and tried to make myself as small as possible, crossing my arms on my bent knees and hiding my head in between them.

I observed the man, as he did me. Each trying to figure out the next move of the other. Couldn't he see that he scared me? I just wanted to lay here and get some hours of sleep, only to start the next day the same way, as I did for all my life.

Moving towards me, he started to retreat from where the light hit him in the back, making it impossible for me to see his face.

Once he was only a few feet from me, I stayed as still as I could, not even moving an inch. I couldn't scream. Who would come anyway? See, all pointless. And I couldn't run with my useless foot. Walking already was a difficulty by itself.

He was beautiful. He had brown hair I think, but it was hard to see in the dimmed light. The highest cheekbones I had ever seen. His eyes were either a light blue or green, not dark like mine. He spotted a light beard but appeared to be young nevertheless. Must be around my age I think. I was eighteen, I knew that. I had to keep track of something out here after all. He was too, I think.

He was dressed in a thick jacket, some jeans that probably got ripped when he threw himself on the ground a few moments ago and wore brogue shoes. He looked clean, most importantly. He didn't strike me to be homeless. He obviously was clad appropriately for the season.

I don't know how much time had passed while I started watching him, but it must have been a while since he was now nearer than before.

Realizing that I wouldn't say anything, he started to open his mouth, ready to solve some of the mystery that involved his very presence.

* * *

 **A/N: I would like to thank everyone, that took his or her time to look at my story so far and to the few, that PMed me.**

 **Special thanks to** justfandomwritings **, who has beta-ed this chapter for me.**  
 **You rock!**  
 **R &R?**


	3. Rows of houses

**~Rows of houses, all bearing down on me  
** **I can feel their blue hands touching me~  
** -Radiohead

* * *

 **~SH~**

"What the hell, who the fuck are you?" he exclaimed, scaring me in the process.

He had a very rough voice, raspy and dry.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do now, or how I should act.

It was obvious to me that I wouldn't answer him, that I wouldn't utter a single word. But he couldn't know that, just as I didn't know a single thing about him.

And that's why I choose to just stare at him and cower further into the wall.

Noticing that I was afraid of him and the whole situation, he said "Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't mean you any harm. I just was startled when I suddenly saw you there on the ground. What are you even doing here all by yourself?"

I wonder what he expected me to say if I would have spoken.

That I liked to spent my nights all alone on my own in a dark cold alley? That I had fun nearly freezing to death?

I continued to stare at him, clearly making him uncomfortable.

He shifted from foot to foot and started speaking again.

"Not much of a talker huh. That's cool, I guess. Mind if I stay here for a while?", he asked.

"It's not like, that you own this alley or anything, so technically you don't have a right to deny me. But I try to stay polite, you know? So I'm just gonna sit down, hide from those crazy fuckers that chased me down here and mind my own business. So you better don't mind me. I'm just going to lay down and not let anything bother me."

He sat down a few feet away from me at the opposite wall.

Bending one knee, he laid his arm on it, leaned his head back and closed his eyes. His expression and posture relaxing immediately.

I wish I could be able to let myself loose as he did in a matter of mere seconds. But that's impossible for me. I always need to be aware of my surrounding.

At all times. Period.

My carelessness, however short it may be, could potentially mean my ending.

I won't even think about the evil and corruption that is lingering on these streets.

To be honest, I didn't know what I was supposed to do now. This was something that totally threw of my daily routine. He came to my sanctuary.

He invaded my 'personal' space.

It was the first time in a long while, that I didn't sleep all alone.

I was still tired and wanted to go back to sleep.

Since the sky was still dark I guessed that I had only slept for around an hour, more or less. But I was afraid of what would happen if I'd continue my slumber.

Although my belongings were not much, they meant a great deal to me. My bag contained a crumbled water bottle I found in a trash bin, that I fill up at public toilets so I could always have water with me.

I also had a spare hoodie, that was in pretty good condition, only spotting a couple of holes and that was overall clean. I had gotten it a couple of months ago at a charity place I sometimes visited when they had their monthly event where they handed out clothes for the poor and homeless.

Yet, the most important thing I had was a cheap silver-ish necklace my mother had gotten me at a store, that sold everything for a dollar. I was maybe five and we had already been living on the streets. I can't really remember a time when we didn't. The necklace may not have much material value, but more so an ideational, spiritual meaning, that meant more to me than anything else.

I cried when the thin chain broke as I tried to comb through my hair and it got stuck on my finger as I pulled. The two small heart pendants were scratched and the once shiny material had turned matt over time. But I still protected it with my life as a prized possession. It was the only reminder of my mother I had before she disappeared out of my life and went to heaven.

Let's not forget about the many pizza slices I had in my bag. I didn't count when I put them in my knapsack, but I guess that I got around six in there.

So you see, I couldn't leave my bag unprotected next to a stranger I knew nothing about while being asleep.

Letting out a sigh, I decided not to test the waters and stay awake for some hours. He had to leave at some point.

Hearing that I was still awake, he started to shift and opened his eyes. He stared at me for a long time and asked "You can't sleep either, huh? It's hard to on this cold-ass ground. If I had the means, and a dog that I don't have, I wouldn't even let my dog sleep here. How can I sleep this way? I need a fucking bed." he whined, complaining about the circumstances.

While I wasn't sure before, when I studied his appearance, I now knew for sure from his behavior, that he definitely wasn't homeless or used to the lifestyle.

"How do people like you do this? I mean, sleep on the floor every day. My back is killing me and it's only been a couple of nights. I'm gonna buy a freaking mattress for nights like this. Getting a job isn't as easy as I thought."

I should have told him that it was hard, sleeping on the floor every night. That you never got used to it but learned to endure and live with the pain. I should have told him that buying a mattress was a waste of money. That the local bums would take it from him as soon as they got wind of it. And most importantly, I should tell him that getting a job was not only not easy, but it was also nearly impossible. If you wanted a job, you needed an address, a home. That no job meant no money. That no money meant no food, no mattress, no home. It was all a vicious, never-ending circle.

But I didn't. After all, I couldn't help him. I guess he would have to find out the hard way, of how the things out here worked.

But as of for the sleeping problem, I may show him the way. He obviously was new to all this and it hurt me to see someone share the share the same fate as me.

I moved a little and showed him what laid under me. Those who live on the streets know the value of a cardboard piece very well. Those people knew that it was the only thing out here, that we could use as a poor substitute for a bed.

"Oh. Any idea where I can find a cardboard like that? You would know, wouldn't you?"

I looked down as I started to blush when he once again reminded me of my homeless status. He had made a similar comment before, but I had tried to let it slide by. Yet, I couldn't ignore it this time.

Seeing that I was ashamed he quickly replied "Fuck, shit! I shouldn't have said that. But honestly, I need one of those. I can't know how long I'll have to stay like this. How long have you been on the streets? You don't look that old to me."

He didn't seem to have caught on to the fact that I didn't speak. Was he really still asking or using rhetorical questions to kill the silence with?

"If I would have to guess, I'd say you're about sixteen-ish. I'm seventeen. Oh and I'm Edward by the way. If you decide to ever talk to me, I'd have to kill you when you call me Eddie or Ed. Just Edward. Plain and simple, got it? Good."

"Hey, you know what? We can share your cardboard. I can lay down next to you. That way you and I will be able to get some sleep. That alright for you?"

I imagined my eyes were as big as saucers when he finished speaking. He couldn't be serious. It had been years that I had let someone physically get close to me oy my own free will. I couldn't even remember the last time since I was so young then.

And for the first time, I gave him a direct answer to something he said and quickly shook my head no.

"Why, carina? I won't hurt you. I won't even touch you. I swear. If I'd wanted to you definitely would have known, I can assure you that. Just move a little. I'm cold as fuck and if you don't want to wake up next to a dead body the next morning, you'll just have to make a little space for good old me. You're not even that large, and thin as a stick. Come on. Move."

He was starting to exaggerate and became commanding. I knew that if he wanted to, he just could have shoved me aside and taken it from me. But he didn't and actions spoke louder than words.

He was obviously desperate for some shelter from the cold at this ungodly hour in this dirty little alley and I started to wonder if this was some kind of test from God. I wondered if I was being watched right now and my compassion and mercy for others were put on a test.

"I swear to God and all that is holy, that I won't harm or touch you. Promise."

He may not have been aware of it, but he said the right thing at the right moment. God had my endless trust and somehow, I took that as a sign.

It may sound crazy, but I strangely got the feeling that I could trust him. That he didn't mean any harm and truly just longed for a warmer place.

I shifted to the left and made space on the right side from me, signaling him with my head that he was welcome to accompany me.

He stood up and was next to me in a matter of seconds, sitting down next to me.

"Want to snuggle up? That way we'll be warmer."

I moved to stand up immediately, trying to get away from him, as soon as possible.

Suddenly he pulled on my arm and jerked me back. Startled, I cowered away from him on my knees. My heart was pounding in my ears.

"Shit, sorry. Hell, I was just joking. Alright, carina. I got the message, no touching."

I nodded rapidly. After a couple of moments, I started to move closer to him and sat back down where I was before. I pressed my bag close to my chest, bent my knees and put my arms on them. Hiding my head in between my arms I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing to get my mind off things and fall asleep faster.

A lot of time went by and I wasn't able to fall asleep. My body was exhausted and longed for some sweet hours of sleep, but my thoughts were loud in my head, demanding my attention and didn't go away.

I thought Edward had fallen asleep, but I was proven wrong when a loud grumble broke the silence. And for once, it didn't come from me.

"Man, I'm hungry. Hey over there skinny, you got anything to eat? "

My small selfish-self wanted to lie and deny my possession of food.

He called me skinny. So shouldn't he come to the conclusion that I didn't have any means to feed myself on a daily basis?

And now he's asking me if I got anything to eat.

Today was an exception and probably his lucky day.

Or not, considering him being here.

I was aware of the effort and chances it took me, to get to the food I had in my possession now.

I should be selfish right? I had a right to be.

But my consciousness also told me, that I of all people, should know that hunger wasn't a feeling that you ever got used to. That it only got worse as time passed. That it wouldn't let you sleep, till you fed the monster.

So again, I did something totally out of character to me and started to open my bag. When I pulled out a slice of pizza he immediately sat up straight and looked at me with huge eyes.

I thought his expression to be pretty funny but didn't let my emotions show and looked at him through neutral eyes.

"What? I didn't expect you to actually have anything, much less give me something to eat. I can't accept. I was kidding. Keep that to yourself. You have already given me a place to stay, eh." he said, smiling a crooked smile.

"I mean, why would you even do that. You should just send me away. Or run away yourself. Something, right? You know that your reaction is not normal right? Don't you have any self-preservation? You need to watch out. It's dangerous out here, you know?"

Oh, how he didn't know that I have been here longer than I'd like to ever admit.

I held out the food in front of his face and urged him with my eyes to just take it.

After hesitating a moment, he took the slice from me without touching my hands.

After debating with myself for a couple of minutes, I showed him the full content of my bag and that I still had enough for myself and that it was perfectly acceptable for him to take one.

So while he started to eat, I moved to my earlier position so I could go back to sleep. As far away from him as possible in this situation.

I closed my eyes and started to slowly drift into oblivion. That's when I heard a quiet

"Thanks." in the back of my mind, before finally being pulled into peaceful darkness.

He sure did talk a lot.

 **~SH~**

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **If you liked the chapter or would like to leave a comment, I am welcoming all of you into the review section.**  
 **love,** melli **:)**


	4. All by myself

**~All by myself  
** **Don't want to live, all by myself anymore  
** **Hard to be sure  
** **Sometimes I feel so insecure~  
** \- Eric Carmen

* * *

I woke up the next day feeling warmer than usual.

And that was definitely not something that I was used to. Maybe I had slept through all of winter and summertime had finally arrived.

But when I felt the frost bite into my skin in other places I knew that that was just wishful thinking on my side. However, that made me wonder even more, why my right side felt way hotter than my other did.

Don't get me wrong. I welcomed any additional heat, you can't even imagine how much.

And yet, something was extremely off.

A gust of wind blew into my ear every few seconds and something hard, and at the same time so soft, touched my shoulder and the side of my cheek.

Another oddity.

I slowly opened my eyes and closed them shortly after I had opened them.

I was blinded by the morning sun that came from the opening of the alley and tried to shield my eyes from the disturbing exposure of light.

After my fight with my blinking eyes had been over, I started looking around and saw the same surrounding I woke up to every single day. Dirty trash bins lined along the opposite wall, that were the reason why this place smelled like rotten food. Rats that were running around and enjoying their lives. Flies that were attracted by the smell of the dirt.

But finding the odd one out was proven to be easy, when I looked down my body and saw a jungle of bronze colored curls, tickling the side of my face and brushing my shoulder.

I was frozen in place.

Over this night of sleep, I had forgotten the events of last night and didn't know what I was supposed to do now.

I never really knew how to deal with new things.

My body was betraying me and gave out many different confusing signals.

My intuition led me to believe, that I should move away from him as far as I could. After all, I didn't know him.

What made me accept him coming closer yesterday, again? I had acted like a whole different person. Not like me at all. At all.

I knew that I was possibly in danger and that touch was bad. I had shown him to not get anywhere nearer to me by my actions yesterday, didn't I?

I had made myself clear. I knew I did.

He must have seen the fright in my eyes. The way my body automatically reacted to the sense of intrusion and unusual feeling.

The feeling of touch had become a distant memory since time had passed. It had become a longing and a dread at the same time. There had been moments in my life, where I would have given anything to have someone hug me, help me see that I indeed existed, that I wasn't invisible to anyone, that I was loved even.

But that time had passed, and the days where I saw touch more as a blessing than a curse were long over. Over time I had experienced that touch should never solemnly be associated with affection. People had mean intentions in this cruel world, they meant to hurt you deeply when you least expected it.

And that's why I decided to move away from Edward and increase the distance between us two. And that was perfectly normal, too. People didn't just let others touch them willingly when they didn't know them, right? At first, I slowly tried to shove his head away. It was better to avoid the risk of waking him up. There was no telling how he would react once he'd be conscious enough.

After my pathetic attempt at gently wiggling from under him, he started to make grunting noises and shifted. After tossing and turning for a while his head fell from my shoulder against the wall between us.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and sighed a little too loudly for my taste. I was a hundred percent sure that even the slightest sound would wake him up and did everything in my powers to not let it come to that.

After remaining in my position for a little while longer, I slowly began to leave the position that I had stayed in all night long. After struggling in the pain of my left foot for a while, like I did every morning, I finally managed to come to a straight standing position.

I looked at Edward one last time and tried to remember every single detail of his face. He had flawless skin, that was dirty at a place or two but did nothing to disturb his beauty.

I knew that I'd probably never see him again in my life. That him spending the night in an alley was a first for him and that it was a onetime deal. He probably had a home he could return to.

As I said before, he didn't look homeless at all.

But he did mention that he was in need of a job, right?

Nevertheless, I had to leave before he woke up.

I had to leave the first person that ever held a conversation with me willingly. Not that I've talked, but the first person that gave me the feeling, that I was indeed alive and not invisible.

Willing myself to no longer be swallowed by my self-pity, I decided to push away my thoughts again and concentrate on myself and the day, that laid ahead of me.

Now came the worst part of my day.

The long walk to the park a couple of miles from here. That's where I liked to spent most of my useless time.

It wasn't like I did anything important there, or as if anyone was waiting for me. I just liked to sit around and watch all the different people that crossed my way in the mornings. That was a routine for me now. I did this every single day.

I was woken up in my alley by the rats, that got attracted by my smell and the food that could sometimes be found in my backpack. I did my one hour walk, that should have only taken me around fifteen minutes. I usually spent my time in the local park around here and watched people of every age and color. When the sun had reached its highest point I began my walk to the soup kitchen and shelter around here in hopes of some warmth.

I used to sit before the shelter and spent my days there, just to get a place every day. But as I mentioned before, some fellow homeless 'companions' of mine felt the urge to make other people's lives even more miserable to forget about their own unfortunate situation.

Maybe that's just the way they coped with traumas like this. I wouldn't know, but what I knew was that I couldn't stay there any longer.

I learned to only go there, shortly before they started to accept people in now. That way the chances of running into these gangs were lower. It still happened occasionally and what they mostly did, was teasing me for my looks or my smell.

They made it their goal in life to point out every single flaw I had on my body. They made a deal of how ugly my face was. That my eyes were way too big for my skinny face. That my hair looked like it hadn't been washed since I was probably born. That I reeked and that they could smell me from miles away. That they hadn't ever seen someone as disgusting as me in all their lives.

And the sad thing was, that I knew they had it all right. I knew I was ugly. I knew that my eyes were way too big for my skinny face.

They kind of made me look inhuman, like an alien from a different planet, which didn't belong in this world.

I knew that my hair looked like it hadn't been washed because I really didn't wash it n forever.

It was hard to find a place to probably wash my hair. I mostly just used the sinks of public toilets or at the shelter to somewhat free my hair of the grease and dirt it was caked in. But the water never really did the job and after my mop had dried down it looked like it hadn't been washed at all. No difference. Soap was the key to cleanliness and happiness spread through me, every time I was able to find a bare of soap.

Cleanliness represents social values and status in our cultural system. If I was cleaner, people were more likely to spare me some change. They deemed me more worth their money. They didn't immediately turn their eyes away from me.

However, I didn't know why the group of men choose me in particular to be their victim or if they harassed others. All I knew was, that they had only seen half the package.

I thank god and myself every day that I made the decision to stay mute and keep my mouth closed. I wondered how they'd have reacted, had they seen my yellow and crooked teeth, that had never been brushed in all their lives. Sometimes, I tried to rinse my mouth and teeth with water and a little soap, but the taste always made me gag. One tooth on the right upper side of my mouth was broken, because of a hit my mother had thrown on my face when I was little. So now it was just a small stub.

But they didn't always just leave it with the teasing.

Sometimes they tried to grab me and I'd pathetically try to run, in the belief that I could actually get away from them. They'd try to take away the small amount of stuff I'd harbored in my old bag. They never took the bag itself and made it a point to let me watch while they violated me and my belongings.

Good thing they hadn't discovered my little, broken necklace yet, my own personal heirloom.

I used to keep it in my shoes and let it touch my bare feet in them. Socks were always one of the first things that people grabbed in the charity places and unfortunately, I never got to them fast enough.

It was a safe place to hide the necklace. People didn't want to take my ugly shoes. I've had them for around 6 years now. They used to be way to big, but I grew into them and now they nearly fit me. However, I wore them out over time and at some places more holes could be seen than actual fabric. Therefore, the chances of the necklace falling out through one of the holes were too high of a risk for me to lose it.

As I kept on walking and looked up, I noticed that in all my musing I had already reached the park and decided to sit down at the tree I always sat by.

It was somewhat secluded from the elder couples, that had decided to take their morning walk or people that walked their dogs this early. Due to the approaching holiday session, the kids were out of school and were walking alongside their parents and their siblings in strollers.

School. Another thing I had missed out on in my life. I had never been given the opportunity. After all, no one had cared if I went or not.

As I watched all these people around me and wondered what I did wrong to be living the life that I had now. I started to wonder if there had been a certain turning point where I had made a wrong decision. An occasion, where I should have acted differently. A mistake that I should have corrected.

But I didn't find anything. I was always friendly to everyone, wanted to help whomever I could, whenever I could. Hadn't I shown that, when I had helped that Edward person without even knowing him? It was obvious that he was in need of some aid and I was willing enough to help him with the meager help I could offer.

I didn't have much, to begin with, myself, so my means were low.

I'd do almost anything for someone to give me a helping hand for once and present me with a way out.

Staying in the park always made me feel warm inside to see all the children, that were lucky enough to have parents, who loved and cared for them. I don't think that someone had ever hugged me. I wonder how it would feel. I bet it would be great. It must be since people loved to give them every chance they got. They hugged when they greeted each other or just wanted to say goodbye. They gave them out of love or out of despair, when sad and when happy.

And that was absolutely beautiful to me. I just wished I got the chance to witness one. Maybe I did, but I was just too little to remember.

So while I loved watching people on the one hand, I hated it on the other. It made me feel emotions that I didn't like coursing through my body. I envied people for what they had and I never did.

I thought that it was unfair, that I had to cry every night when I one of those moments where I realized how alone I really was. I felt like it was me against the world. That the universe somehow had deemed me unworthy of love and that I was to be deprived of affection and warmth.

I bit my teeth together very hard to suppress the tears, that were threatening to spill over if I'd only give them the chance to. Times came when I wasn't able to take a breath because of my heart aching, deep sobs, which almost destroyed me.

Sometimes I cried in this park in this very same spot. But that was when I was drowning in self-pity again.

Much like I did now. The tears were flowing freely over my skin, creating a trail of misery down my face.

I wasn't sure how I should learn to deal with these emotions, that made me feel sicker than the hunger did on a daily basis.

"Aren't we a little melodramatic, carina? We've seen these scenes before in movies you know. Lonely girl all alone crying in the woods, while the rain is falling down on her. Come on, carina. Be a little more creative. I'm sure you can do better than that."

I was startled by the same voice, that had frightened me mere hours ago when I had first seen him. His face looked peaceful and he had a cockier attitude surrounding him now.

Only when he mentioned it, I realized that it had started to rain during my musing and I was soaked to the bone.

Looking up from my clothes again I quickly rubbed over my face and hastily removed the tears, that had started to mingle with the raindrops.

I gave him a confused look, signaling him that I was surprised by his presence.

"What 'cha trying to say, little girl? Oh, I know. You're trying to figure out how Donald Trump has managed to become president. I know, horrifying. Luckily he is already in his second term, so the horror is almost over, so don't worry. In due time we'll hopefully get a president that we can actually be proud of, I'm sure of that."

I deepened my frown and tried to make sense of the words that had left his mouth a few seconds ago.

"Oh no, carina. You look even more confused than before. How about you stand up first and then we can continue with our little conversation, huh? You'll be of more use to me healthy and somewhat clean. Won't want you running the risk of catching a cold."

I did, in fact, stand up and clutched my backpack to my chest. When he mentioned that I would be of use to him I started to back away and was ready to run for the hills. What had driven me yesterday to let a complete stranger feel my generosity and compassion and to let him sleep next to me? I must have been out of my mind. Or plain out exhausted.

Before I could have started with my pathetic run he grabbed me by the arm again, turned me around and just as quickly let me go.

"Look, I know that you don't like getting touchy touchy with me, but I had to stop you. And had I let you run I would have caught you anyway. Girl, what was that a second ago. Were you about to trip, or what?"

I looked down at my tattered shoes. He sure did ask a lot of questions.

"Whatever. How about we start to walk and I'll accompany you to wherever you need to go to. I'll explain to you what I meant when I said that you'd be of use to me."

I wasn't sure about that. I didn't feel as comfortable with his presence now, as I did last night. Otherwise, he didn't strike me as the violent type of person. Sure he talked and swore a lot and I don't think that he had any verbal filter, but he seemed nice. He didn't really insult me or try to take something from me. Overall he hadn't tried to hurt me yet and didn't look at me like I was an abnormality.

I looked around and saw no one in the park other than us two. They must have left when it has started to rain. I wonder when that was.

But even if people were here, there was a high chance that no one would stand up for a homeless person or care if I got kidnapped or not.

Noticing that I didn't have any other chance and that he probably didn't have any cruel intentions, I nodded.

He gave a genuine smile when I decided to go along with his proposition and motioned with his hands in many directions.

"Well, carina. Lead the way. I'll go wherever you will go."

Little did I know the significance these seven words would have for the both of us.

* * *

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